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a large, fruit-eating bat.

Click the 'about me' above to find out more about me. I basically blog about my chronic illness, adventures in grad school, and the Mountain Goats. Feel free to ask me questions.

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Posts tagged mental illness

Mar 25 '14
i made a graph of what my life is right now

i made a graph of what my life is right now

Mar 12 '14

i don’t really care about the language debate personally (altho i try to be respectful of other ppl’s wishes if they express it to me bc i do have an ability to change the words i use fairly easily), but sometimes i get really annoyed when someone uses “able-bodied” to mean not disabled, mostly because i associate able-bodiedness with physical disabilities, not cognitive ones or mental illnesses. and as a person with physical & mental disabilities i feel it’s important to distinguish them even if there are some similar experiences. idk, i was talking about this with @secret_stars the other night and it’d be cool to hear other people’s thoughts.

Feb 17 '14

Purdue has a really nice online system for medical appt history and billing and I went on there to pay a co-pay for seeing my psychiatrist and noticed that in my statement they list the diagnosis codes so I looked them up:

  • generalized anxiety disorder
  • dysthymic disorder
  • social phobia
  • other unknown and unspecified cause of morbidity and mortality

generally unsurprising but the last one i’m just like ???? i mean i’m laughing b/c it’s super accurate but i had no idea that was actually something they could code as a diagnosis lol.

Jan 26 '14

So today I start the new dose of zoloft to see if my PTSD symptoms can be managed more by that than klonopin but I still have access to klonopin too, and tomorrow I’ve got therapy and we’re supposed to start working through some of my abuse history stuff (I have never actually processed it w/ a professional before lol) but I’m scared he’s gonna wanna ~process the shooting~ because everyone is being told to do that for students and I just. Don’t really want to. I’m sure I can tell him that but you know. Anxiety.

Jan 15 '14


Look the idea that chronic physical pain can exacerbate or even result in mental health problems should not be revolutionary, but like every medical and mental health institution seems to be really invested in the opposite idea: that chronic physical pain, especially in women and people perceived as women by medical institutions, isn’t real and is just the result of “nerves” or some vague, non-specific “anxiety” (that probably doesn’t require medication because what are you, a drug seeker) because women are just inherently weak like that. 

How many people with chronic pain do you think suppress their understanding of the pain they are in until they develop anxiety problems, I have been Talking To Professionals In The Field for this comic I’m doing and my research seems to indicate that most mental health professionals who aren’t douchey old white dudes seem to believe that it’s a lot and that the understanding of the role pain plays in mental health is critically outdated and ultimately rooted in misogyny and racism. 

I’ve had chronic muscle pain since I was 12 but gooooooooooooood luuuuuuuuck getting any kind of help with it while I ALSO have mental health diagnoses, is what I’m saying, and it’s frustrating!!! Also I have no idea how to advocate for myself effectively with doctors, that’s probably also not helpful.

it wasn’t until I got access to Actual Good Therapy this year that I found a psychiatrist and therapist who both took me seriously when I insisted that my chronic pain and anxiety/other mental illnesses are inextricably linked, and will be for the foreseeable future. and i have to tread very, very lightly when discussing medication because i’ve already been told of the ~dangers of being addicted to benzos~ because my psych fucked up my SSRI doseage and i had to use more klonopin than usual to make sure i wasn’t freaking the fuck out every day (and i still did b/c i didn’t take it as often as i should have). then my rheumatologist would rather prescribe me meds usually used for ppl with heart problems instead of giving me actual pain reducing medication because oh gosh what if i get addicted to a medicine that makes me feel like a normal fucking human being!

anyway sorry to take your post and rant about this stuff but it just resonates w/ me. also i find it really fucked up that the only time most of my medical providers take me seriously is if i bring ethan into the room with me. lol misogyny.

p.s. followers missv tagged this post with “don’t steal” b/c she’s publishing this stuff/these ideas so you know, respect that and don’t be an asshole.

Dec 23 '13

lol @ my mom saying she ‘fixed’ me from being a crazy person by dragging me to the hospital and telling me if i didn’t stop having panic attacks she would leave me there

Sep 4 '13

so my psychiatrist seems to think most of my paranoid delusion stuff is actually a result of PTSD from when i was physically assaulted, since most of them involve people coming to hurt me.


Aug 28 '13

i hope this new therapist i’m gonna go to next week at least understands how having an incurable disease where the symptoms are variable & unpredictable & literally any one of my organs could fail at any moment, oh & also all of my soft tissue could harden etc. etc. can cause great amounts of anxiety that no form of CBT is ever going to fix.

not that i’m against CBT, but it’s hard to logic your way out of something like that, y’know?

Mar 28 '13

i was given a gift of a large lump sum of money from my grandparents today for a “congrats on getting accepted as a funded PhD fellow at a prestigious science school” thing.

i can’t also help, though, that it is also my grandfather saying “hey so don’t fuck this up like your aunt did, who also went to Purdue to pursue a PhD and then got too mentally ill disappointed us all and now we pretend she doesn’t exist, despite her living with us”

the pressure to not be crazy in my family is sometimes really unbearable considering i am all but not-crazy

Mar 21 '13

Laura, I never said anything to imply otherwise. However, I don’t think anyone should accept a ‘chronic’ condition without retaining hope for a cure. The rate of progress is too high to give up on that. 10 to 20 years down the road, we may not only know the exact causes of all these things, but be able to eliminate them readily. To be honest, the idea that something like chronic depression must be battled for life… is depressing.  I’m not depressive, and I am optimistic that cures will be found, not just for some (as with CBT), but for all. Medical science will see to that.”