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Purdue has a really nice online system for medical appt history and billing and I went on there to pay a co-pay for seeing my psychiatrist and noticed that in my statement they list the diagnosis codes so I looked them up:
generally unsurprising but the last one i’m just like ???? i mean i’m laughing b/c it’s super accurate but i had no idea that was actually something they could code as a diagnosis lol.
So today I start the new dose of zoloft to see if my PTSD symptoms can be managed more by that than klonopin but I still have access to klonopin too, and tomorrow I’ve got therapy and we’re supposed to start working through some of my abuse history stuff (I have never actually processed it w/ a professional before lol) but I’m scared he’s gonna wanna ~process the shooting~ because everyone is being told to do that for students and I just. Don’t really want to. I’m sure I can tell him that but you know. Anxiety.
Look the idea that chronic physical pain can exacerbate or even result in mental health problems should not be revolutionary, but like every medical and mental health institution seems to be really invested in the opposite idea: that chronic physical pain, especially in women and people perceived as women by medical institutions, isn’t real and is just the result of “nerves” or some vague, non-specific “anxiety” (that probably doesn’t require medication because what are you, a drug seeker) because women are just inherently weak like that.
How many people with chronic pain do you think suppress their understanding of the pain they are in until they develop anxiety problems, I have been Talking To Professionals In The Field for this comic I’m doing and my research seems to indicate that most mental health professionals who aren’t douchey old white dudes seem to believe that it’s a lot and that the understanding of the role pain plays in mental health is critically outdated and ultimately rooted in misogyny and racism.
I’ve had chronic muscle pain since I was 12 but gooooooooooooood luuuuuuuuck getting any kind of help with it while I ALSO have mental health diagnoses, is what I’m saying, and it’s frustrating!!! Also I have no idea how to advocate for myself effectively with doctors, that’s probably also not helpful.
it wasn’t until I got access to Actual Good Therapy this year that I found a psychiatrist and therapist who both took me seriously when I insisted that my chronic pain and anxiety/other mental illnesses are inextricably linked, and will be for the foreseeable future. and i have to tread very, very lightly when discussing medication because i’ve already been told of the ~dangers of being addicted to benzos~ because my psych fucked up my SSRI doseage and i had to use more klonopin than usual to make sure i wasn’t freaking the fuck out every day (and i still did b/c i didn’t take it as often as i should have). then my rheumatologist would rather prescribe me meds usually used for ppl with heart problems instead of giving me actual pain reducing medication because oh gosh what if i get addicted to a medicine that makes me feel like a normal fucking human being!
anyway sorry to take your post and rant about this stuff but it just resonates w/ me. also i find it really fucked up that the only time most of my medical providers take me seriously is if i bring ethan into the room with me. lol misogyny.
p.s. followers missv tagged this post with “don’t steal” b/c she’s publishing this stuff/these ideas so you know, respect that and don’t be an asshole.
lol @ my mom saying she ‘fixed’ me from being a crazy person by dragging me to the hospital and telling me if i didn’t stop having panic attacks she would leave me there
so my psychiatrist seems to think most of my paranoid delusion stuff is actually a result of PTSD from when i was physically assaulted, since most of them involve people coming to hurt me.
i hope this new therapist i’m gonna go to next week at least understands how having an incurable disease where the symptoms are variable & unpredictable & literally any one of my organs could fail at any moment, oh & also all of my soft tissue could harden etc. etc. can cause great amounts of anxiety that no form of CBT is ever going to fix.
not that i’m against CBT, but it’s hard to logic your way out of something like that, y’know?
i was given a gift of a large lump sum of money from my grandparents today for a “congrats on getting accepted as a funded PhD fellow at a prestigious science school” thing.
i can’t also help, though, that it is also my grandfather saying “hey so don’t fuck this up like your aunt did, who also went to Purdue to pursue a PhD and then got too mentally ill disappointed us all and now we pretend she doesn’t exist, despite her living with us”
the pressure to not be crazy in my family is sometimes really unbearable considering i am all but not-crazy
“Laura, I never said anything to imply otherwise. However, I don’t think anyone should accept a ‘chronic’ condition without retaining hope for a cure. The rate of progress is too high to give up on that. 10 to 20 years down the road, we may not only know the exact causes of all these things, but be able to eliminate them readily. To be honest, the idea that something like chronic depression must be battled for life… is depressing. I’m not depressive, and I am optimistic that cures will be found, not just for some (as with CBT), but for all. Medical science will see to that.”
— SOME ASSHOLE
I am so, so, so, so, SO FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!
“If you ask whether the dominant culture is so destructive because most of its members are insane, suffering from a form of complex PTSD; or whether the dominant culture is so destructive because its materialistic system of social rewards-overvaluing the acquisition of wealth and power and undervaluing relationship-leads inevitably to hatred and atrocity; or whether the physical resource requirements of cities necessitate widespread violence and destruction. The answer is yes.”
Derrick Jensen, Endgame (via cultureofresistance)
I suffer from complex PTSD and am neither “insane” nor destructive. The destructive people in this system do not have mental illness, nor do they suffer from any kind of “stupidity” or mental deficiency. They are highly intelligent, motivated, able people who just so happen to have hopelessly broken belief systems.
It may be easier to shrug off harmful behavior as a result of some kind of mental illness. It might make it easier knowing there is some unmistakable distinguishing trait that differentiates them from you. But the facts state otherwise. Most mentally ill people are, if anything, only harmful to themselves. It’s the “normal” ones you have to worry about. (See also: Hitler, other dictators and war criminals.)
God this stuff (original quote) really grates on my nerves. I just want to reblog to show people why I hate Jenson (well, for this shit and also primitivism because UGH, but that’s another post) and also because this is exactly what I’m talking about when I’m ranting and raving about the ableism in the radical left. It is not okay to say shit like this (and people definitely say it about Hitler and other corrupt historical figures). Capitalism, corporatism, selfishness, bigotry, violence… it is not okay to associate these things with mental illness, or to blame them on mental illness. Nor is it accurate; Jensen clearly has absolutely zero knowledge as to what complex-PTSD actually entails, and, like most people, simply associates PTSD with a general sense of being “crazy”, which, aside from totally dehumanizing the individual in question, culturally means everything from hallucinations and delusions to total irrational thinking and uncontrollable dangerous behavior. This sort of thing is drilled into us, over and over and over: the dominant culture does it and then subcultures do it as well. Let’s blame all of the pitfalls of civilization on mental illness! Let’s regard anything we dislike as a consequence of mental illness! It trivializes actual mental illness while simultaneously contributing to the widespread socialization of ableist thinking.
yeah, I used to read a lot of Derrick Jensen and I still think he has had important things to say (particularly in critiquing capitalism and abuse culture) but he fucks up so much that I really don’t like him at all anymore. I’ve also emailed him a couple times and he only responds when I am in complete agreement with him—when I brought up the very problematic things he lets be said on his forums about trans* people he ignored me completely and never responded. Ugh.
I do think civilization (especially industrial civ) is destructive and problematic, but conflating that with mental illness is unacceptable.